Categorized | Our Town

Magical Creatures

Posted on 15 February 2013

Suppose you could run bursts at thirty miles an hour. Very useful for catching a bus. Suppose you had hairs on your face that could measure distances from left to right, and vice-versa. Great for walking through trees at night after a picnic. Suppose you had a section of your brain that could register and store your emotions. You could be a sensitive creature with a rich life. You might even be capable of loving people. And suppose you liked to touch people you love, and have them touch you.

Suppose the pattern on your nose was as unique as fingerprints. If arrested, the cops might place you face down on an inkpad. Suppose you slept twelve to twenty hours and stored your energy for special times when you need a lot of it. Unlike, say, Julie Andrews, you could not only wish you could dance all night, but actually do so.

Suppose you could jump five times your height. You could get things from the second floor of your house without having to climb those pesky stairs. Suppose you fell from a second floor window of your house while cleaning its outside surface, and could land on your feet and brush off the whole incident. You’d save a lot on health and life insurance. Suppose you had on your tongue backward-facing mini-rods so you could clean yourself very well indeed using only your tongue, saving the cost of soap and of heating water.

Suppose you moved with reflexes fast enough to kill cobras, and did not need any weapons to do so. You might even be worshiped as a demigod, as in fact you were in ancient Egypt. Suppose you always walked on your toes. You could walk around, or even dance around, your apartment without annoying the guy downstairs. And suppose you could hear sounds pitched too low and too high for him or your other neighbors to hear. You could play dance music on specially designed audio equipment as loud as you like, without them complaining to you about it. Suppose you were walking, let’s say on vacation, through a forest strange to you, and you could mark all the trees and boulders you want with your personal, unique “perfume.” You would not have to worry about getting lost — all you’d have to do is smell your way back to where you started.

You are a male? Well, suppose you had backward facing mini-rods on your penis. You could stimulate the vagina of your wife while in intercourse to help her ovulate, and so increase the chance of a wanted pregnancy. Why, with your sexual prowess, in old Norse Mythology, the Goddess of Love, Freyja, would have you and your friends pull her chariot around to inspire lovers all over the land. And if you are female? Well, you could give birth to at least 120 babies in ten years, get your name in Guinness’s Book of Records, and so be almost as famous as Kim Kardashian. And suppose your eyes were even more spellbinding than those of the fascinating Ms. Kardashian.

Now, suppose you could dilate the pupils of those eyes of yours so much that you could see in almost total darkness. Very useful during LIPA’s power outages, right? Suppose you could narrow your eyes’ pupils to slits so that you could see in blinding sunlight with no sunglasses. You wouldn’t need to frequently say to yourself, “Where the heck did I leave my sunglasses.” Suppose your eyes also had mini-sensors on the backs of their retinas that allowed you to detect even the minutest motion. Why with all these capabilities, your eyesight would be like Superman’s.

Suppose tigers, lions, leopards and cheetahs were among your close relatives.

Now, suppose all these suppositions were true. Well then, you’d be a housecat.


RICHARD GAMBINO suggests you adopt one or more of these magical creatures from a rescue agency. Call: ARF at 537-0400, or The Southampton Animal Shelter at 728-7387.

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