Betty Friedan’s legacy is twofold, said Rabbi Jan Urbach at an unveiling ceremony of Friedan’s headstone on Sunday. Friedan is best known as a feminist writer and activist who pioneered the “second wave” of the women’s movement in the United States, but she was also a mother of three and a close friend to many.
Since Friedan’s passing in 2006, her children, Emily, Daniel, and Jonathan, delayed in selecting a headstone to mark their mother’s grave at the Jewish Cemetery in Sag Harbor. Emily explained that the family searched for a balanced design that would resonate with both her family and friends, as well as with those who followed her work.
“We wanted to include her identity as a writer,” added Emily. “We were interested in something special and unique.”
In the last few years, New York City-based sculptor Mashiko worked with Jonathan on a concept for the headstone.
“This was definitely a collaboration between myself, Mashiko and Betty’s ghost,” remarked Jonathan at the ceremony.
For Mashiko, the challenge was crafting a design to capture who Friedan was. At the onset of the project, Mashiko bought several copies of Friedan’s writings and read her work as a way to understand Friedan’s personality.
“I wanted to know how her ideas came to her,” said Mashiko of her research.
The end product is a perfect melding of Friedan’s private and professional lives. The front of the headstone is smoothed over and has a slightly rounded left side, giving it the appearance of a closed book. However, the headstone’s side and back are marked with a series of chiseled curved lines that overlap. This part of the stone looks at both times like a collection of waves or a head of long flowing hair.
“She had an endless wave of ideas,” noted Mashiko, pointing to this portion of the headstone after the close of the ceremony.
At this point, an onlooker turned to Mashiko and complemented her work, saying, “It is most appropriate for someone who made waves in the world.”
Before the ceremony, the gray sky threatened to rain, but the weather cooperated long enough for Rabbi Urbach of the Conservative Congregation of the Hamptons to speak of the Jewish tradition of marking a grave. Rabbi Urbach said after the mourning and pain of the loss subsides a physical marker is placed on the grave to continue the deceased’s legacy. She added that the ceremony was meant to “consecrate the monument as an expression of love” and encouraged people to place stones on top of the grave.
“[The stones] symbolize the eternity of the soul . . . and that which we can rely on unfailingly,” explained Rabbi Urbach.
Although Friedan has passed, her work as an author and activist lives on. The publication of her book “The Feminine Mystique,” in 1963, helped inspire a second wave of feminism in the United States, a movement that increased female social and economic equality with their male counterparts.
“All of us women owe her a debt,” noted Rabbi Urbach, who referenced a time when female rabbis did not exist.
Friedan’s long list of accomplishments illustrates the tenacity with which she lived her life. An engraving on her headstone displays the sentence “And if not now, when?” which is the last line of a famous saying by the ancient Jewish religious leader Hillel.
Rabbi Urbach recited the saying in its entirety during the ceremony: “If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, when?”
Jonathan said his mother had always loved that phrase.
“She always had a sense of immediacy and the moment,” remembered Jonathan. “She was great at seizing the moment.”
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