By Anetta Nowosielska
Considering how much an alleged extramarital affair (which resulted in the pregnancy of a part-time Hamptonite with one brash Brit — right under the husband’s nose) has captured the media’s attention, it is only fair we consider the “Two-Timers’ Rules of Engagement,” should one choose to cross that blurry line of the unacceptable and just plain dumb. Please do not think we’re condoning these bad choices, or think it’s a method to decipher your partner’s actions when your status amorous is not adding up to copasetic. Rather consider the below a tool when common sense in a deplorable situation becomes as elusive as dinner reservations at Nick & Toni’s on Saturday night. Behold the cheater’s almanac, the indispensible guide on how to deceive without getting caught with one’s hand in the cookie jar. How to Deal with Guilt, Fallout and Infamy is not included.
- Keep it simple, stupid. To effectively carve out time for your scoundrel ways, creating a lie about your whereabouts from the ground up, following through with it and sticking to detail is a challenge. Allow one of your legitimate hobbies to serve as your proverbial wingman. Joining a gardening club, without actually going, will give you an excuse to disappear for two hours while owning the subject matter when discussing your afternoon with your better half.
- Stick with the married cheaters. Singles are nothing but trouble, who have little patience for such incidentals as canceling a tryst due to your son’s piano recital. The spoken-for cheater is well versed in all things family and sympathizes with your household duties that may call you away. Plus very rarely will an attached player attempt to get even by reaching out to your wife to enlighten her about the owner of those earrings she found in your car last week.
- Sizzle before you plunge. Prior to crossing the boundary, make a commitment to looking your finest instead of the loungewear-loving, casual schlump you have become. Incrementally add an extra set of push-ups to your fitness routine, start wearing stilettos on your shopping rounds, and invest in some make up. The purpose of this upgrade is not to attract a partner in crime. Rather, it’s a technique to gradually get your spouse used to the way you will most likely be looking on your shenanigan run without raising suspicion.
- Don’t tell your best friend. Should guilt start biting at your conscience — and it will — find a willing bartender or a yoga instructor to unload the content of your soul. If however you must get your BFF involved, rest assured your friendship will be forever changed. Plus, you will have a witness to your weakness.
- Be sure to know the nearest ATM. Living on credit while sneaking around is a big, fat NO. No receipts, no trails, no proof. Added value: learning the ins-and-outs of fiscal responsibility.
- Cheat outside of your zip code. Westhampton feels like the right kind of a place for deceivers, no offense to the locals. With plenty of restaurants and hotel rooms to pick from, the risk of getting spotted drops substantially. Consider getting a hybrid to offset the costs of the commute.
- Say no to mementos. This may be a doozie, but do not collect any souvenirs of your fling, as in the matchbook from the hotel you frequent, parking garage stubs, emails and texts, etc., not only to avoid discovery but also to remove any relapse triggers once you’ve decided to put the kibosh on your home wrecking ways.
- Don’t get pregnant. Enough said.